The Ouch & the Gift of Intergenerational Trauma
Have you heard of intergenerational trauma? It’s a pretty hefty phrase. In this article, you’ll learn about how it shows up as distorted thinking patterns passed from one generation to the next and what you can do to break free.
Thinking patterns are sneaky. I say that a lot in my work. Background beliefs (another name for thinking patterns) are sneaky, subtle, and invisible. You don’t often notice them because they create who is looking and how and why you see.
That means you might have been calling things problems that are actually symptoms of intergenerational trauma. How do you know if this is you? It could be if you have the same problems over and over. Confusing symptoms with the problem is like endlessly cleaning water off the floor when you could repair the leaky pipe.
As far as I can tell, most modern people experience some intergenerational trauma. The word ‘trauma’ is usually associated with big events that we can see and validate as exceptionally painful. To me, it also includes habits of acting and thinking that don’t allow you to express, feel, trust, believe in, know, or love yourself. Not feeling ok to consistently enjoy who you are and your life is pretty traumatic, right?
Both ends of this trauma spectrum shaped my life in huge, undeniable ways.
Before we begin, know this — there are gifts in trauma. Yes, gifts. Whether we’re talking about painful events or the chronic discomfort of not feeling free to be yourself, you’ve likely gotten something to gain. These ‘wrong’ things can have a ‘right’ side when you start to allow that it’s possible.
While you move through this material, see if you can let both the ouch & the gift of your trauma exist at the same time. Yes, you were hurt. Yes, it still hurts. Yes, there might be messes. AND yes, you have gained and grown uniquely and powerfully in it all.
Unaddressed pain and patterns of limited thinking become invisible chains adults pass to children. But hear me, it’s not such a big or scary thing to fix. I want you to know that this phenomenon isn’t you nor is it your parents nor is it their parents. There’s a way to look at it that frees you from shame and them from blame while you break the invisible chains for good.
Ideas of self and life learned during childhood are hard to recognize as they constitute the water we swim in for the rest of our lives. These most-used mental frameworks and ways of responding to life create an experience of the world that we don’t nor can’t consider an alternative for. It’d be like trying to see the glasses you use for seeing.
For example, when parents neglect their child’s mental, emotional, and environmental needs and then say to the child ‘I love you,’ the child learns a deep, invisible template for love. She also learns through her early experiences what she can expect from the world in terms of stability, respect, and resources. These ideas of life and self are transferred to the child without her having the chance to consider if they are accurate or healthy. You can imagine how that template plays out as the child grows into an adult. She may select unhealthy relationships, accept poor treatment from people close to her, and neglect to care for herself.
It’s common that the person is able to think clearly and act successfully in other areas of their life, but somehow continues to experience problems that have ‘obvious’ and ‘simple’ solutions, such as ‘to just stop doing that.’
Often the ‘problems’ this person thinks they have are ‘symptoms’ of those impoverished stability, love, respect, and resources templates. This exemplifies the concept of intergenerational trauma as the adults responsible for creating these templates were also recipients themselves.
What does neglect in these conversations mean? It includes what you might commonly think of AND more subtle examples that often extend beyond the awareness of the neglect’er.
An example of that type of sneaky, subtle, invisible neglect is when the adult is not emotionally stable or available enough to create space for the child to feel their own emotions. The adult likely doesn’t know another way of being as he is acting from his own learned, invisible templates.
From what I’ve seen, this neglectful-love template matters most as it pertains to quality of life. The recipient may not think to take sustainable care of their own interests and resources. We can see the effects of these patterns but the root of them is often invisible, especially to the affected person. In fact, they usually think the problem is something else.
My approach and other types of therapy can correct the impoverished stability, respect, and resource thinking templates. The master key I found and use is is self-love. The person finds they are then ‘free’ to make better choices that were obvious before but somehow always out of reach.
Reconciling your thinking templates and cleaning up the effects of intergenerational trauma isn’t the most fun. Still, it can be simple if you let it be what it is — wrong action from distorted thinking. Nothing personal.
The gifts of trauma are unique. You might talk through the idea with someone you trust to see how your adaptations or experience can be a skill or blessing now.
As example, my experience made me highly sensitive to the needs and worlds of others. That’s a skill I now use intentionally with clients. It also gave me a deep appreciation for things often taken for granted.
To learn how to love yourself, you can watch hours of free content on youtube.com/@shayleeedwards, contact me to schedule an info call, or book a session at habitbook.com